The Winged Crusader
by Le Confidant
Summary: Ed and Winry have strong opinions about Valentine's Day and end up fighting about it… But the Winged Crusader comes to their rescue in the name of love. CRACK FIC. One shot. AU set around FMAB Ep. 21. WARNINGS: Language and mild sexual implications.


A/N: It's that time again that I get inspired to write crack. The latest culprits are: 1) My birthday, yes people, today is my birthday and being born on Valentine's Day it isn't as cracked up as you think it is. Just ask a person born on that day. 2) I just found out that I need to drag my sorry ass more than 4,000 miles from where I'm currently located at, crossing an ocean and a continent and I move in less than four months— Such is the gipsy life!

Anywho I think those are reasons enough to blow some steam with words.

XD

I do hope you like it though!

**Thanks to Jaclyn** for making sure that this fic is crackalicious.

* * *

"YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE! Winry yelled at Ed's face point blank.

"WELL THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT!" He countered in an equally loud tone.

"Um… You both know that today is supposed to be the day of Friendship —and Love— and not about quarrels."

Ed and Winry looked at the armored soul with bewilderment that quickly turned hostile. "JUST STAY OUT OF IT AL! Both said in unison.

"Fine!" Al replied as he walked out of the room.

"Now look what you've done Winry!" Ed said as he pointed to the door. "—And all because of your stupid expectations about stupid Valentine's Day."

"My fault? Don't be pegging this one on me!" Winry said as she eyed her toolbox that was sitting on top of the bureau.

Ed quickly caught onto Winry's evil plans. He knew very well that the whole "conversation" was going to end up with her braining him —Again. "You know what? I'm out of here!" He said as he stomped his way towards the door.

"'Bout time!" Winry managed to shout just before the young State Alchemist slammed the door to her room.

**oo-OOO-oo**

"Oh this is terrible…" Ling muttered as he slowly turned his gaze to his most loyal guard.

"I don't see why it is terrible Milord." Ran Fan replied in her casual cold demeanor.

"Oh my dear Ran Fan," the Xinguese prince said as he uncrossed his legs, letting them dangle from the ledge he was sitting on. A capricious sigh escaped his lips. "It's Valentine's Day and those two love birds need my help." He added as his mouth turned into a pleased grin.

Ran Fan tensed and Ling could see that her dark eyes widened even though they were carefully concealed behind her elaborate assassin's mask. "No Milord…" She pleaded, "Please tell me that you are not going to pursue this any further—"

"Shush Ran Fan," he countered as he gestured her to be silent. "You know I can't stand disharmony."

"—but Milord!"

"No buts. Ran Fan… fetch me my gear," Ling said as he now stood up on the ledge of the hotel building, "because the Winged Crusader will fix this problem in the name of love!"

"Not this again…" Ran Fan lamented herself as she went through all those unpleasant memories where she was forced to tag along and cater to the Prince's obsession with Western traditions —And cheap cen(1) novels. She shuddered at the thought of what would be the outcome this time. Probably not good since it involved that detestable Pipsqueak, nonetheless she stood up and rushed to their hotel room because a guard of the Yao clan is loyally bound to their duty.

**oo-OOO-oo**

"Brother wait!" Al shouted from across the street when he saw the red-walking blur that was his older brother. Edward stopped and welcomed the clanking armor with feral eyes, eyes that made the Al's soul tremble within his metal cage. "Um—"

"I'm not mad at you Al. I'm just… Just—"

"Still mad at Winry?"

"Yeah… Why will she make a fuss about flowers or chocolate?" Ed said as he remembered his fight with the blonde mechanic just moments earlier.

"Because she's a girl Ed. You DO know this right?" Alphonse retorted with a pinch of sarcasm.

The short blonde sent daggers to his taller, younger brother for the sarcastic remark. "Well… She doesn't act like one." Edward replied in his defense.

"Those are lame excuses Brother and you know it. Besides any girl loves to receive a gift on Valetine's Day."

Ed stood in place absorbing Al's words. "Then why don't you give her flowers?" He answered after a few minutes passed by.

Al's jaw piece almost fell to the floor when he heard his brother's oh-so dense answer. "Ed… I'm pretty sure she wanted YOU to give her flowers and not me."

"You, me? I don't see the difference," Ed said as Al rolled his red etheric eyes.

"Of course it makes a difference young man!" Said a voice that both brothers felt coming from multiple directions.

Suddenly the Elric brothers saw a winged figure jump down from the top of the building, landing just a few feet in front of them. Both took a defensive stance against a possible ambush by one of their many enemies. The winged man approached them slowly. Ed and Al noticed that he was wearing a white leotard, a golden mask and golden wings but what caught their attention was the glimpse of a bow-like contraption hidden behind the wings. Not taking a chance Ed clapped his hands, opening an array circuit. The winged man suddenly drew out the bow that was in fact a crossbow, and with almost inhuman speed, he shot the State Alchemist in the left arm —grazing it at its best— but effectively stopping Ed from completing the transmutation.

"Brother!" The gigantic armor yelled as he moved in front of his older brother, protecting him with his metal body from further attacks. Alphonse clapped his hands together and quickly pressed them flat on the concrete creating a gigantic fist that was aimed at the attacker but the concrete fist was cut down in half by what seemed like a whirlwind of blades that came out of nowhere. A shadow appeared in front of the assailant and it was protecting him in the same way that he was protecting Ed. When all the dust and commotion had settled the brothers recognize that the shadow was in fact the Xinguese girl that was always by the Ling's side. "Ran Fan?" Both said at the same time as confusion showed in their faces.

"Step back!" The assassin barked at the Amestrians but the winged man signaled her to be at ease. She lowered her guard and did what the man requested of her. He stepped forward until he stood a few feet from the brothers. A tale-telling smile appeared below the golden mask letting the brothers identify the winged-donning man.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, LING?" Ed screamed at the top of his lungs as he let his guard down.

"—and why are you dressed like that?" Al added while pointing directly at the young prince.

"Do not refer to me as Ling!" The wing-donning teenager said with elation. "I am the Winged Crusader! Enforcer of Love and Justice!" He added while taking a heroic stance that he probably ripped off from a comic book(2).

"What?" Both Ed and Al spew before their jaws dropped to the sidewalk. "You are one sick puppy, you know that Stupid Prince?" Ed added while rubbing his now throbbing arm.

"Do not insult the Prince you filth!"

"Now, now, Cherub. Don't get so wound up as you know well about his tempestuous nature." Ling said while petting Ran Fan's head, a gesture that clearly mortified her.

"Cherub? Winged Crusader?" Ed snickered as Al tried to hush his older brother.

"Yes, Hero of the People. I was drawn to your love pains and decided to aid you in the name of TRUE LOVE!" The Winged Crusader chirped with full-on fanfare to which he was eye-balled in response by everyone involved.

"I don't need your help— I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!" Ed replied with irritation at the stupidity he was being subjected to.

"I'm referring to the young lass you've hurt with your dense judgement and harsh words." The Winged Crusader said with his accusing finger pointed directly at Ed. "Two people so clearly in love should not fight especially on such an important day that celebrates love— So I just fixed it!"

Edward's face turned bright red upon hearing such… disarming declarations from the Xinguese Prince. He was so mortified with him that he wanted to punch Ling —and his ridiculous attire— silly. He stepped forward ready to strike the Stupid Prince when he suddenly felt dizzy and lost his balance.

"Ed!" Al yelled just as he grabbed his brother by the shoulders thus preventing the short alchemist from falling to the ground. The armored boy's soul got worried once he noticed that his brother looked flushed and feverish. He turned his attention to the wing-donning teen with what looked like a scowl etched to the face of the helmet. "What did you do to him!" He demanded to know.

"Me?" The Winged Crusader answer with innocence. "Well he got poked by the Arrow of True Love."

"That doesn't answer the question Ling!" Al rebuked with clear irritation on his tone of voice.

"It means he got stung by a powerful aphrodisiac." The wannabe hero answered with a wide smile.

"Aphrodisiac!" Al yelled back. "Are you nuts?"

"Aphrodisiacs are powerful encouragements—"

"Winry and I don't need that kind of 'encouragement'!" Ed barked as he regained some of his strength. He struggled his way up until he stood on both feet and wobbled towards the Xinguese Prince. He grabbed Ling by his ridiculous leotard and pulled him closer. "I'm going to beat the crap out of you!" Ed snarled as he prepared to knock some teeth from His Royal mouth. Ran Fan lunged forward to protect the prince from Ed while Al lunged forward to protect his brother from the Xinguese girl but both stopped in their tracks when Ed suddenly let go of Ling and opted to bend forward while placing his hands on his knees.

"Brother?" Al asked out of concern about Ed's awkward stance.

"L-let's go Al," Ed said as he buttoned his red coat close. "NOW AL!"

"Why are you closing your coat?" Alphonse asked with innocence as he didn't understand initially his brother's odd behavior but he got his answer once he looked deep into Ed's pleading eyes, "Oh dear lord!" Al's soul blushed even deeper than his brother's face when he realized that Ed sported a massive boner caused by the concoction coursing through his veins. Edward was beyond the point of humiliation at the moment. He started walking —aided by his brother— but not before sending a death glare towards Ling. After a few minutes both brothers were long gone leaving Ling, the Winged Crusader, and his trusty sidekick alone on the street.

"Do you think I overdid it, Cherub?" Ling asked as his eyes looked to the distance.

"I don't really care Milord… But can we please get you out of that ridiculous costume?" Ran Fan answered in a weary tone, wondering if the Prince's eccentricities were going to be the death of her one of these days.

**oo-OOO-oo**

"I'm going to kill that crazy clown— Ow!" Ed said in pain as the pressure in the front of his leather pants was becoming unbearable. "Let's go! I want to get to our room fast."

"Ok Ed," Al answered hesitantly as he knew what was going to happen once they reached their room. Why was he always caught in the middle of Ed's drama? A sorrowful sigh escaped his sorry soul.

The brothers finally made it to the hotel lobby and were just a few paces from the elevator when they both heard that familiar female voice telling them to hold the elevator for her. Winry just made it in time to the elevator and decided to stand by Ed's side. The miserable blonde cringed as his situation had gone from bad to worse.

The elevator ride was silent. The only perceived movement was created by Winry's scrutinizing eyes that shifted from Al to Ed and back to Al as she tried to make sense of their suspicious behavior. The brothers darted out of the elevator when the doors opened and were already half way down the hallway when the blonde mechanic called out for Ed to stop. S-h-i-t.

Winry reached them in no time and it was clear that she wanted to get some things out of her chest,

"Ed… I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for what happened earlier…"

Ed smiled nervously. He couldn't really concentrate on what Winry was saying because it took all of his mental power to keep him from exploding in his pants. It had already been a torture for him to keep a nonchalant facade inside the tiny elevator while his nostrils and his "buddy" went wild by the smell of her perfume. He knew he would probably had jumped her if it had been just the two of them inside the elevator. Thank the heavens Al was there to rescue him from permanent brain damage.

"I guess I overreacted…" Winry continued to say as Ed nodded incessantly.

Damn! Now he forced himself to look at her in the eyes because all that nodding had made him dizzy but as she kept blabbing away his dilated golden eyes drooped south— To the creamy mounds that were nestled inside a white tank top while being cradled by a white bra… His mouth became dry as his focus switched to Winry's boobs… Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, BOOBS! Damn that Ling!

"Ed? Are you even listening to me?" Winry asked with a raised eye brow.

"Boobs?" Edward answered in his dazed state, making both his younger brother and the object of his affection blush to a deep red hue.

"EDWARD ELRIC! You-are-a-pervert!" Winry screamed once she snapped out of the brief state of shock and noticed that Al had already dragged Ed down the rest of the way and to their room. He was rushing to get the hotel key out of his leather pouch. "Hey!" She yelled as she entered the second phase of her rage. The mechanic shortened the distance between her and the brothers in about six or seven long strides and was now blocking the entrance to their room. "Don't you dare try to escape from me!" She screamed while eyeing both brothers.

"Um Winry, Ed's not—"

"Don't make excuses for him Al!" She countered with a menacing glare that made the towering suit of armor tremble with fear. She locked her eyes onto the short alchemist while her nostrils flared with anger. "Care to answer why were you being such a lecherous creep?"

Ed wished he could just disappear into thin air with a transmutation. He had gotten to a point that if he didn't completely concentrate on THAT body part he was going to explode like fireworks on New Year's Eve. He looked at his younger brother with a plea for help but he knew that Al had been downed by Winry's charming ways. Damn it all! He couldn't even think straight let alone figure out what to say to her— "I love you?" He blurted out unwillingly just as his eyes widened with embarrassment.

Apparently that "mistake" was enough to quench the wrath of the raving mechanic. She was utterly stunned by Ed's revelation. "Y-you love me?" She stuttered. A smile appeared on her face as Ed's words sunk in. Maybe that's why Ed was being so cantankerous about Valentine's Day? Maybe he really didn't know how to express his emotions without feeling embarrassed… A throaty moan that came out of nowhere snapped her from her daydreaming. She looked at Ed with utter confusion. Why he would emit such a sound? She took a second look at his appearance. Ed was looking really flustered and he was standing in an awkward way… And his red coat was buttoned all the way up— Something he'd never do… It took her a few seconds to realize that his childhood friend was hiding a hard on. Her eyes widened even further. "You have a boner!" She shrieked.

Ed swallowed hard while his concentration came crashing down and— "Y-yes!" He squealed between choked moans. Horror set on his face as waves of release splattered all over his boxers. His mouth was hanging open while he look at a shocked Winry in the eyes.

An eerie silence permeated the hallway as the trio stood frozen in place. "I got to go…" Winry said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. She removed herself from the door and silently walked back to her room, locking herself in as fast as she could.

Al also snapped out from his stupor and gently held his older brother up by the shoulders. He helped him inside the room without any exchange in words as probably Ed was too mortified and humiliated to engage in any type conversation. Al dropped his brother at the bathroom and gently closed the door then headed to the closet to take out a fresh set of clothes for Ed.

**oo-OOO-oo**

Both brothers opted to not talk about the embarrassing situation but the tension in the air was starting to get to both of them. Fleeting thoughts of what Winry now thought of him crossed Ed's mind from time to time but he quickly shooed them away because he really did not want to torture himself even further. Al heard a noise coming from the window and decided to check on it. Suddenly the Winged Crusader and his loyal sidekick swunged inside their room.

"So how did it go?" Ling asked with his usual bluntness, instantly infuriating the short alchemist.

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING RIP THOSE STUPID WINGS FROM YOUR BACK AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS!" Ed growled as he transmuted a short blade out of his automail outer plate. He launched himself at Ling but was quickly held back by his armored brother. "AL! LET-THE-FUCK-GO!" Ed screamed as he thrashed around.

"Was it that bad?" The wannabe hero asked while tilting his head slightly to the right.

"'THAT BAD?' That fucking shit you shot me with made me… Made me…" Ed said as he kept struggling against Al's tight grasp but he suddenly stopped his rant. The mere thought about such a humiliating moment made him want to get erased from the face of the planet.

Ling looked puzzled while he tried to decipher why Ed had stopped his rant. "Lemme guess… You didn't make it in time, did you?"

"Ling what you did to Brother was not nice," Al interjected with a reprimanding tone, "Your crazy role playing got him into a lot of trouble as IT happened in front of Winry." His response made Ran Fan snicker which in turn made Edward more miserable about the entire situation. Ed was literarily at a point where he just wanted to be put out of his misery.

"Well that explains why your beautiful girl —friend— was all ruddy and unresponsive when I asked her about you."

"You what!" Ed shrieked at the winged teen.

"Oh but don't worry about her. It's all going to alright," Ling responded with an accomplished smile.

"What did you say to her?" Ed snapped, fearing the worst.

"Oh I didn't say anything." He replied nonchalantly.

"Then what did you do?" Al asked, worried about another catastrophe.

"I just wiped her memories using one of Ran Fan's powerful sedatives(3)."

"WHAT?" Ed and Al yelled at the Prince while Ran Fan's voice joined the brothers.

"You went too far Milord!" The Xinguese assassin said with an angry tone while taking stock of the various combat items she carried with her.

"She'll be alright… Besides…" Ling looked at Ed from behind his golden mask. "Now our dear Hero of the People can have another shot at love!"

That was the last straw in Ed's book. He clapped his hands together and pressed them onto the hardwood floor. A gigantic wooden hand collected the Winged Crusader and his faithful sidekick, dropping them out on the street through the window they came through. Ed exhaled with relief as long gone was the pest known as the Twelfth Prince of Xing and his annoying guard. The blonde teenager created a reversal transmutation and reverted the wood back to its original state. Now it was time to access and perform some damage control over at Winry's room. He stood up and calmly walked towards the door but not before grabbing the gorgeous floral bouquet that decorated their room. Winry will receive her flowers and her expectations about Valentine's Day will be met. He wondered right then and there why he just didn't do all that from the beginning —saving himself from the utter and complete humiliation he'd just experienced— but he instantly got his answer in the form of fierce red cheeks.

* * *

A/N: Yup I went there, poor Ed (LOL)...

Also I'm too dorky for my own good. Here's the references noted on the story:

(1) I'm referring to dime novels and even early versions of Detective Comics aka DC comics, eventhough DC really rose around the Great American Depression.

(2) More like manga, think Sailor Moon. Yeah... Sorry! I'm a Sailor Moon fangirl.

(3) I'm not going to mention which drug he used but in high doses it can cause memory loss and that should be a nice hint for it. XD

One more thing, one day I'll add the correct illustration for this cover. The one used at the moment conveys Ling's goofiness and that's why I chose to use it.


End file.
